Losing Wonderland

 

Oh Dinah,
you are nothing but candy kisses now
and I am too grown for daydreams.
The mind takes control once the training wheels are off,
and I lost you
after the last skip that skinned my knee.

We climbed through a jungle gym
disguised as a tropical island,
and I knew I was past my expiration date
when I couldn’t really see it.
My imagination floundered,
and your colors were lost on me.

I saw the Cheshire cat today,
what does he want?

In my dream we danced in our backyard,
but even your sweet steps could not suffice,
for I heard a rabbit say:
“I’m late- I’m late for a very important date.”
So I followed him down a well, through a row of doors
leading out to a forest filled with suits in shiny shoes,
juggling jobs like fists of flames
and deciphering life’s clues.
Men on stilts climbed ladders to reach promise in the trees,
and quiet girls traded in their pearls for firmer hearts of queens.
But I with no plans of my own
felt watered down by the landscape,
getting lost in the wilderness of choice.

I heard the Cheshire cat today,
what does he want?

Wandering on I came to the edge of an ocean;
feet sinking into wet sand,
I made love to idiot twins
letting them re-shape me with rough hands.
I slept in gardens with Mad Hatters and Hares
marching up and down my apron dress,
tattered and torn I faltered further
finding identity in carelessness.


Dinah my Dinah,
you used to say we’d dance forever if we could just hold on
long enough.

I met a caterpillar offering visions through smoke,
breathing in to find purpose
my lungs settled as he spoke
to a violet fog of daffodils singing a chorus of advice:
With the gift of decision comes the tag of sacrifice.

I almost caught the Cheshire cat today,
what does he want?

Oh Dinah,
I left you on the other side of the looking glass
long faced with somber eyes,
your silk black hair swaying in the distance.
I cannot recapture that image,
but the smell of confusion follows me everywhere.

Dear Cheshire cat,
I still don’t know the answer.

Moving on, I needed help
but none was offered,
so I trusted in myself Dinah;
and somehow through the chaos and hill climbs,
I saw the world again
through child eyes.
No longer innocent but still wide with a wiser view,
taking every problem as an adventure
without fear of the ground beneath me falling through.

Oh Dinah
I do miss you,
but the flowers still sing,
and the queen is still commanding her cards.
Things go on and on in this rabbit whole
so fast,
not even our skirts provide parachutes.
Some days I take the mushroom and I get big,
and sometimes I drink the liquid and I get small.
Either way, I know I will climb through the row of doors
and end up on the other side.
Either way, I know I will always lose you,
only to find myself again through your loss.