Breaking Up for Dummies

 

 

Remember the days when we actually were forced to look that unlucky person in the face and say that abundantly common phrase: "We need to talk,”?

It was difficult to deal that devastating blow. No one likes to be the bad guy or gal. But mustering up the courage to break it off in person was once considered a vital part of growing up. This right of passage often coincided with other necessary happenings such as finally growing into your hips and testicle drop-page.

But now that we have emails, Facebook and cell phones, many people are skipping this landmark. These days we're so focused on ultra simplifying our world that all the uncomfortable banter and heartbreaking  "This just isn't working out' moments can be spoken without ever having to see the look on the other person's face or even hearing what they actually have to say in response.

With just a few clicks of a mouse you can go from "Relationship" to "Single" and bide your time until your now ex realizes they've been given the boot. You can tap out a few lines of incomplete sentences, top it off with a frowny face and tie off those loose ends in a neat little bow all from the comfort of your own home.

Breaking up has become easy enough that even an idiot should be able to do it. And yet even guys with full rides to fancy grad schools still haven't mastered the artful balance of honesty that comes with a straightforward: "I'm sorry, it's over."

So in an effort to aid those ladies and gents who can't commit and don't know how to pull off the band aid without taking out an eye in the process, I have compiled a small lists of Do's and Don't's. My own Breaking Up for Dummies, if you will.

The Dos (Not to be confused with doing it before you break it off because that is definitely a DON’T!)

1)    Do it quickly. This is not to say that you should be impulsive, I believe in a well thought out break up, but as soon as you know you need to let them know. Ignoring the problem will not make the unveiling any easier in the end.

2)    Be honest and let the other person yell at you for as long as they need to. You owe them this and you probably deserve it. If you don’t deserve it and he or she was actually abusive and undeserving of you, then this will be another reminder that you’re decision was healthy. And while they are screaming a laundry list of profanity you can silently pat yourself on the back and decide which bar you’ll be celebrating at later in the evening.

3)    Blame it on yourself. Yes the overused “It’s not you it’s me” is more overplayed than a “That’s what she said joke,” but there’s a reason for that: it works. Also it’s helpful to put it all on yourself because in a way. This is. Your fault. Think about it: You said yes to a date with this person, or even pursued getting a date with this person, blew your wad the first chance you could and didn’t really take the time to get to know the man or woman beyond the genitals.

OR….if you did take the time to get to know them and realized YOU were not right for THEM-EVEN IF THIS ISN’T TRUE, hurting someone else’s feelings two times over is unnecessary… unless he or she is a Grade A dooshbag. Which brings me to the don’ts.

The Don’ts or for you classy folk, The Do Nots

1)    No break ups post coitus. You will possibly be murdered or mutilated by your now ex partner. Giving someone the ax with your pants down is just plain foolhardy and asking for it. And “it” could be anything from a kick to the nuts to a picture of you naked and a limerick about your not so impressive member being posted on the Break Up-ee’s blog the next day. YOU DON’T WANT THAT.

2)    Don’t ignore the other person in lieu of actually cutting ties. This is just cowardly and can turn the other person into a temporary raving lunatic. For example: I once met a guy, we went on a date and I decided while we were making out that he had too many tattoos and I was more interested in preppy boys at the time. So what did I do? I ignored his phone calls. For FIVE MONTHS! YES he should’ve taken the hint. YES he clearly was a little desperate and sad for continuing to call. BUT can we really blame him? When you’re attracted to someone you go a little mad. And everybody knows the harder a person is to get the more delicious the idea of getting them becomes.

3)    Don’t blame anything on the other person’s sexual personality. Recently I was broken up with and the reasoning was: “You’re just too sexually aggressive. (Not physically of course)” This makes you seem like a fag. Or no actually homosexuals are highly sexual so this makes you seem like a Eunuch (for those of you that don’t know what that means it is a man whose balls have been removed.) Girls, there is a version of this for you as well. Do you really want to be associated with a crazy cult practice or third world country cleansing? …I don’t think you do!

4)    And finally: Don’t drag the process out. Post break up sex is addictive on both ends and no matter what you both say, the orgasms keep hope alive. And like I always say: If you’re over someone don’t end up under them again, or on your knees getting it from behind, or on top, or in their mouth. Just shut your legs, stick that hard on between your boxer elastic and take a cold shower, because nothing good comes after you ejaculate on your ex. 

*Originally published at www.ultravulgarsuperfiend.com